Private Johnson's Uniform
Brought to you by Sister Ophelia Onassis
Over the near 11 years I’ve had the privilege of serving this community as a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence, I’ve had the pleasure of conducting what we call Safer Sex Outreach. During these outreach sessions, we distribute condoms, lubrication, and safer sex pamphlets to the flock we happily serve. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “Sister, how do I use this thing?” Sure, I could roll my eyes and laugh, but it seems more appropriate to do what nuns everywhere enjoy doing – teach! So I’m going to teach you how to use a condom.
First things first. You’ll need some supplies. Necessary supplies are:
- Water-based lubricant (or silicon-based lubricant identified as condom safe)
- Partner for sexual intercourse
- The male sexual organ (let’s call it “Private Johnson”), or facsimile (let’s call them “Meat Substitutes”).
Now that you’ve got your supplies, let’s take a look at the practical method of application.
Before you use condoms, there are a couple things you should know. These are:
For best quality and durability, store condoms in the box, in a cool, dry place. Make a note of the expiration date; risks of breaking these life saving devices are increased if outdated or not stored properly.
Realize that if the condoms aren't lubricated, you'll need to obtain some lubricant. Get a water-based lube, since most condoms are made of latex and will rupture if used with an oil-based lubricant. If you or your partner has an allergy to latex, get the alternative polyurethane condoms.
Get Private Johnson to stand at attention. Stroking him will usually do the trick.
Once Private Johnson is cooperating, open the condom packet. Don't use scissors or your teeth to open it, for risk of breaking the condom.
If lubrication of the condom is low, risk of breaking is heightened. You can apply a small amount of lubrication to Private Johnson prior to dressing him in his rain gear.
Hold the condom in one hand and the Private Johnson’s base in the other. If Private Johnson wears a turtleneck (meaning you or your partner is uncut), pull the foreskin back. Put the condom on the head of the penis so the reservoir tip is poking out.
Pinch the reservoir tip, and use your hand to unroll the condom over the penis. Unroll it all the way. Air trapped in the condom may cause it to break.
Commence sexual activity – this includes oral, anal, and/or vaginal intercourse.
Private Johnson generally (not always, but usually) likes to take a nap after marching back and forth in dark tunnels, so stop sexual activities immediately after ejaculation. Before withdrawing, grasp the bottom of the condom with your hand. Withdraw while holding the penis.
Gently pull the condom downwards and off while still holding the base of the condom, being sure to only do so when facing away from your partner. Ejaculatory fluids exposed to your partner can cause transmitting of STIs , to the mouth, anus, or vagina. Because your precious DNA (and maybe your not-so-precious tag-alongs) has left your body and is now residing in the condom, tie a knot at the base to keep those fluids inside.
- Make sure you get the right size condoms. If the condom doesn't fit, replacement is suggested.
- You should be able to go from rip to ready in less than ten seconds. Remember that if the condom breaks, you'll need to throw it out and start again with another one.
- Try flavored condoms and lubes for oral sex. A flavored condom will work when there's nothing else around, but, to prevent health problems, avoid using it for intercourse if you have other options. Sometimes the flavoring contains sugar, sugar can catalyze yeast infections.
- Stick to water-based, or silicon-based condom-safe lubricants only. KY Jelly and generic equivalents can be found at any drug store.
- While rolled, the reservoir tip should poke out. Don't use a condom if you have unrolled it.
- To find which way the condom unrolls, hold it by the edges and gently blow into the center to inflate the reservoir tip.
- Remember not to mix oil-based lubes with latex condoms! Any oil-based substance can very quickly weaken latex and make it break. This includes hand lotion, Vaseline, cold cream, baby oil, and even Chap-stick.
- Don't reuse a condom. If you take the condom off, don't put it back on again, even if there doesn't seem to be any fluid.
- Don't put a condom on if the package was ripped, or the condom appears to have been unrolled.
- If improperly used, a condom offers little protection. Even if properly used, there is a small possibility of pregnancy or transmission of sexually-transmitted diseases.
- Condoms that are made of animal membrane do not protect against HIV or other STI infection. Stick to latex or polyurethane, or talk to your doctor about your other options.
- Novelty condoms, such as glow in the dark condoms, might not protect against pregnancy or STD transmission, but flavored, non-novelty ones will. Check the box for details.
- Don't keep a condom in your wallet "just in case". Body heat and pressure will accelerate the breakdown of the condom in the wallet.
- If the condom breaks during sex, stop immediately and replace the condom.
- No matter what anyone tells you, using two condoms at one time does not give you ' double protection'. Multiple condoms increase friction and cause a greater chance of breaking.
Once done, please don't just throw of the condom out of your window. It's an ugly sight coming across a used condom on the road, sidewalk, or hallway. Wrap it in a post-sex clean up tissue and dispose of it in the trash can. Remember: It's always nice to see a condom used, but it's not that nice to see a used condom.
And remember, this is in no way intended to diagnose or prescribe any medical information. Go see your doctor for that...